The ships arrived at dawn and by 8:00 AM it was clear that wherever the aliens were from, they were far, far ahead of us technologically. They demanded not a world or national leader or statesman, not a poet laureate, but a common person to whom they would explain their demands. I had spent the night passed out at the laundromat after a party at Sullivan's. It was there that the UN Security Force found me and hustled me onto the alien shuttle. There were hordes of politicos, strategists, academics, etc. all babbling incessantly about what I should say and try to learn. I was just thinking of a cold Heineken and some sardines and crackers. On the ship I was led to a smallish room with a huge dais sized couch thing and a smaller, humanform chair. I took the chair. Shortly our alien invader appeared. It was big. REALLY big, like elephant big. It's body would be best described as fish like. Its head was a sunken cavity in the large end of the fish body that had two eyestalk like appendages in the middle and a large flabby opening that I assumed was a mouth. The body was teal colored, gradually darkening into a deep burgundy. It undulated across the room and occasionally puked up huge amounts of liquid that resembled oatmeal mixed with Vick's Nyquil. Speaking through a translator, the alien spent the next hour explaining to me that they were conquerors from across the galaxy and now we and our planet belonged to them, resistance was futile, basically all the things you'd expect a conquering elephant-fish race to say. However, during these proceedings, I started feeling the cumulative effects of my previous night's activities. Slight nausea, rumbling stomach, extreme hunger mixed with thoughts of never eating again in my life, craving for water. As the talk went on, these feelings grew, until finally my body emitted the mother of all farts. The sound actually lasted a good 30 seconds. Feelings of relief and pleasure like nothing I'd felt before ensued. Pressure was off and I felt great. Then there was the smell. As the noxious fumes wafted through the small cabin, the alien started intermittently stopping in the middle of its speech. The giant elephant-fish began to convulse and with one huge gout of the oatmeal tonic, it flipped off of the giant dais and onto its back. All movement and sound stopped. It was dead...humanity had its salvation and I was reminded once again, that technology isn't everything..... =:-)
I am, at 50, what's called a 'confirmed bachelor'. That's a nice way of saying that I've spent so much of my life alone, I'm no longer fit to live in close society. My dear mother, before shedding the mortal coil, used to call me a bohemian because I also happen to be a musician and, well a bit of a lazy slob. I tend to live an artistic and intellectual life as much as possible and don't place a lot of importance in the trappings and activities that most people do. Okay, I'm weird. I was noticing that there are a plethora of materials out there; magazines, tv shows, etc. that help people to live what I call a 'normal' (notice the quotes) life. You know, magazines like Good Housekeeping, Home and Garden, New Bride, TV Guide, Health and Guns and Ammo. These things often feature articles on how to effectively do the things that 'normals' like (or feel they need) to do. I thought it would be nice to have a list of things that might hel...
Comments
I am not sure where the story might go from there - I presume that the other aliens might take exception to having their spokes-alien taken out by a fart...
I very much like the tone, though. As I said - very Scalzi esque
-Fred