I am, at 50, what's called a 'confirmed bachelor'. That's a nice way of saying that I've spent so much of my life alone, I'm no longer fit to live in close society. My dear mother, before shedding the mortal coil, used to call me a bohemian because I also happen to be a musician and, well a bit of a lazy slob. I tend to live an artistic and intellectual life as much as possible and don't place a lot of importance in the trappings and activities that most people do. Okay, I'm weird.
I was noticing that there are a plethora of materials out there; magazines, tv shows, etc. that help people to live what I call a 'normal' (notice the quotes) life. You know, magazines like Good Housekeeping, Home and Garden, New Bride, TV Guide, Health and Guns and Ammo. These things often feature articles on how to effectively do the things that 'normals' like (or feel they need) to do. I thought it would be nice to have a list of things that might help one to be a more effective misanthropic bohemian. So here are my 10 rules for effective living:
1) Never clean something today that can wait until tomorrow, or until six months from now for that matter. Cleaning is one of the most futile activities mankind engages in. For one thing, no matter what you clean or how well you clean it, it will soon be dirty again and require another cleaning. I think this is just a scam by the big chemical companies to sell their cleaning products. Also, I'm a firm believer that from a health perspective, people these days are really getting to be sissies. It's because everybody keeps cleaning and disinfecting everything all the time. You body needs a chance to be attacked by germs and build up antibodies, otherwise you might as well move into a plastic bubble!
2) Never, and I mean NEVER spend money on a piece of furniture unless you really require it's functionality. How much furniture do you really need? A table and a couple of chairs? Something to lie down on to sleep? That's pretty much it, right? It's unbelievable to me that people actually go to big tacky stores and spend thousands of dollars on 'fine' furniture. Not only that but they spend the rest of their lives afraid to use it and, you guessed it....CLEANING IT! Nah, only buy what you absolutely need -- a couple of folding tables from Office Depot and some chairs. Maybe a bookcase. Note that if you work in an office, there are often opportunities to pick up old office furniture at great prices. And if you live in a city, especially if there is a college in town, the street can be a great source for the few things one really needs.
3) It's always better to eat out than to eat in. I HATE grocery shopping! It requires a lot of effort (geez it's almost like manual labor), congregating in buildings full of lots of people, and spending bunches of money on overpriced, usually low quality items. No, much better to spend a little more for food prepared by a trained professional and served by professionals in a congenial environment. Plus there's no cleaning to do afterward.
4) Only an idiot makes a bed after sleeping in it. This is one that I've REALLY never understood. You make a bed, you sleep in it, you make it, you sleep in it. Change that to you sleep in it, you sleep in it, and you've saved time and effort and lost nothing. The only time a bed should be made should be when it's new, or when replacing the bed clothes (approximately once every 3 years).
5) Social interaction is highly overrated. When one spends a vast amount of time contemplating the world in which one lives, the extraordinary game playing skills needed to get along with people tend to become dulled. I've found that the duller these skills get, the clearer my thinking process gets about things that matter to me, like string theory and why does stuff always get caught between the back teeth on the left side of my mouth after I eat Mongolian food? Sitting around at a party trying to interact with someone who regards a Macchiato and bran muffin at Starbucks as the pinnacle of their day just requires too much psychological gamesmanship and wakefulness.
6) Refrigerators are really just cold time capsules. They should never and I mean NEVER be cleaned. Opening the fridge should be like examining the geological record of the past several years of your life.
7) Never wear clothes in the house. This will cause them to wear out faster and just make you uncomfortable. Plus it makes it less necessary to 'over launder' (wash one's clothes too often).
8) Never answer your door if you're not expecting a visitor. That's it. They can buzz until the doorbell stops working...if they didn't call first, I don't answer. And neither should you.
9) Laundry should be an exotic event -- like a full eclipse or the alignment of the planets. Laundry has been made by many people to be too much like a hobby or something. Clothes should be laundered only after everything you own needs it. Doing the laundry should consist of a minimum of paraphernalia -- clothes in pillowcases (no baskets), a single detergent (no pre-wash, no bleach, no softeners or deoderizers....just soap for god's sakes), and coins for the machines (unless you can get them to take slugs or work without money). Doing laundry should be regarded on par with cleaning the reactor rods at a nuclear power plant for mental hygiene.
10) The food pyramid is a myth created by Scientologists. Eat what you feel like eating and we all know that that's beer and Snickers bars. The hell with this fabrication of an idea called 'nutrition'. A healthy diet is any eating regimen that you enjoy and by which your body produces enough energy to allow you to successfully walk from any point in your apartment to the bathroom and back.
bonus) Homeowning is for suckers. Why would anyone take a large chunk of cash and give it to the bank, expend all of the energy required to move into a new house, have to pay taxes on that house, have to maintain and/or repair that house, be stuck for the next 30 years not only living in the same place but PAYING for it, and then buying enough tables at Home Depot and lugging used chairs and bookcases home from streetcorners to fill it up??? This is totally insane. Only a madman would even think up such a scheme.....
I was noticing that there are a plethora of materials out there; magazines, tv shows, etc. that help people to live what I call a 'normal' (notice the quotes) life. You know, magazines like Good Housekeeping, Home and Garden, New Bride, TV Guide, Health and Guns and Ammo. These things often feature articles on how to effectively do the things that 'normals' like (or feel they need) to do. I thought it would be nice to have a list of things that might help one to be a more effective misanthropic bohemian. So here are my 10 rules for effective living:
1) Never clean something today that can wait until tomorrow, or until six months from now for that matter. Cleaning is one of the most futile activities mankind engages in. For one thing, no matter what you clean or how well you clean it, it will soon be dirty again and require another cleaning. I think this is just a scam by the big chemical companies to sell their cleaning products. Also, I'm a firm believer that from a health perspective, people these days are really getting to be sissies. It's because everybody keeps cleaning and disinfecting everything all the time. You body needs a chance to be attacked by germs and build up antibodies, otherwise you might as well move into a plastic bubble!
2) Never, and I mean NEVER spend money on a piece of furniture unless you really require it's functionality. How much furniture do you really need? A table and a couple of chairs? Something to lie down on to sleep? That's pretty much it, right? It's unbelievable to me that people actually go to big tacky stores and spend thousands of dollars on 'fine' furniture. Not only that but they spend the rest of their lives afraid to use it and, you guessed it....CLEANING IT! Nah, only buy what you absolutely need -- a couple of folding tables from Office Depot and some chairs. Maybe a bookcase. Note that if you work in an office, there are often opportunities to pick up old office furniture at great prices. And if you live in a city, especially if there is a college in town, the street can be a great source for the few things one really needs.
3) It's always better to eat out than to eat in. I HATE grocery shopping! It requires a lot of effort (geez it's almost like manual labor), congregating in buildings full of lots of people, and spending bunches of money on overpriced, usually low quality items. No, much better to spend a little more for food prepared by a trained professional and served by professionals in a congenial environment. Plus there's no cleaning to do afterward.
4) Only an idiot makes a bed after sleeping in it. This is one that I've REALLY never understood. You make a bed, you sleep in it, you make it, you sleep in it. Change that to you sleep in it, you sleep in it, and you've saved time and effort and lost nothing. The only time a bed should be made should be when it's new, or when replacing the bed clothes (approximately once every 3 years).
5) Social interaction is highly overrated. When one spends a vast amount of time contemplating the world in which one lives, the extraordinary game playing skills needed to get along with people tend to become dulled. I've found that the duller these skills get, the clearer my thinking process gets about things that matter to me, like string theory and why does stuff always get caught between the back teeth on the left side of my mouth after I eat Mongolian food? Sitting around at a party trying to interact with someone who regards a Macchiato and bran muffin at Starbucks as the pinnacle of their day just requires too much psychological gamesmanship and wakefulness.
6) Refrigerators are really just cold time capsules. They should never and I mean NEVER be cleaned. Opening the fridge should be like examining the geological record of the past several years of your life.
7) Never wear clothes in the house. This will cause them to wear out faster and just make you uncomfortable. Plus it makes it less necessary to 'over launder' (wash one's clothes too often).
8) Never answer your door if you're not expecting a visitor. That's it. They can buzz until the doorbell stops working...if they didn't call first, I don't answer. And neither should you.
9) Laundry should be an exotic event -- like a full eclipse or the alignment of the planets. Laundry has been made by many people to be too much like a hobby or something. Clothes should be laundered only after everything you own needs it. Doing the laundry should consist of a minimum of paraphernalia -- clothes in pillowcases (no baskets), a single detergent (no pre-wash, no bleach, no softeners or deoderizers....just soap for god's sakes), and coins for the machines (unless you can get them to take slugs or work without money). Doing laundry should be regarded on par with cleaning the reactor rods at a nuclear power plant for mental hygiene.
10) The food pyramid is a myth created by Scientologists. Eat what you feel like eating and we all know that that's beer and Snickers bars. The hell with this fabrication of an idea called 'nutrition'. A healthy diet is any eating regimen that you enjoy and by which your body produces enough energy to allow you to successfully walk from any point in your apartment to the bathroom and back.
bonus) Homeowning is for suckers. Why would anyone take a large chunk of cash and give it to the bank, expend all of the energy required to move into a new house, have to pay taxes on that house, have to maintain and/or repair that house, be stuck for the next 30 years not only living in the same place but PAYING for it, and then buying enough tables at Home Depot and lugging used chairs and bookcases home from streetcorners to fill it up??? This is totally insane. Only a madman would even think up such a scheme.....
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